Memorial Day

One year ago, our lives changed.  More precisely, my dreams came to a screeching halt.  The tiny little life growing inside of me was gone.  I was thrown into the world of moms that had lost a baby.  We had prayed so long for another little one to join our family, and that hope was gone.  I never will know if that little one was a boy or a girl, but Avalon was gone.

The last year has brought so many challenges, and so many blessings.  Through the loss, I met a wonderful community of women that like me, had suffered the loss of a pregnancy or baby.  They accepted my early loss without it being "not far along-enough to matter".  They helped me to grieve, to move on, and helped me to deal with the conflicted emotions I felt by getting pregnant so soon after the loss.  After having to wait to try for years, and then trying for so long only to suffer a loss, we were blessed with Avery only a few weeks after the loss of Avalon. 

Being pregnant after a loss, especially one so recent, was difficult.  I spent much of the time in a state of partial denial.  I did not want to be hurt again.  I did not want to love only to lose.  During the last month, when physically I could not handle the discomfort any longer, I made myself embrace the time left.  I told myself that because I did not know if I would be able to carry another pregnancy, I had better enjoy what I had.  I did my best. 

This week  has been difficult.  I knew that the date was coming up.  My husband remembered, my mom remembered, but loss is a funny thing.  It is uncomfortable. It feels icky.  As a society, we have come to avoid loss and everything it entails.  I know that I am not alone, but I feel so alone in grief.  The shining light this week has been knowing that had this loss not happened, we wouldn't have Avery.  I love that little boy with everything I have.  It doesn't erase the pain, but it makes it different in a way. 

We are releasing balloons today for Avalon.  Please keep us in your hearts.

School's Out For Summer!

That's it! We're done!  Emma finished her first year of school, which was also our first year of home schooling.  What a journey it has been.  We discovered that our little girl has a talent for math and science, and hates phonics.  Phonics has been...well, a challenge.  She tests at grade level, but she just does not like to do phonics lessons.  At all.  We'll be working on that while we're on break.  But for now, she gets a chance to relax and take a little time off before we work on more school work.  To be honest, it is just as much a break for Adam and I as it is for her.

Life has been a little crazy since Avery came earth-side.  Big sister is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to her new brother.  She loves him so much, but has a hard time sharing attention and time.  Avery is like a doll to her, and excited hugs have led to a puking baby more than once.  She'll get the hang of it eventually. 

Little Avery has been growing like a weed, and is 13 lbs and 24 inches now.  He's a happy little guy, full of smiles and squeals.  Ceiling fans are pretty much the best thing ever to him, aside his dedicated milk dispensers. ;)  The poor little guy is dealing with a little bit of a stomach bug that all of us got aside from Emma.  I'm hoping that will pass soon, and we'll be able to enjoy the nice weather.