Forever Loved

My necklace came in the mail today.  It means so much to have something tangible to wear next to my heart.  I took some pictures to send back to the artisan with positive feedback.  It is beautiful, and I would recommend bugaboojewelry to anyone that has suffered a loss. 

where we've been before

Today I had the blessing of receiving the gift of my grandfather's genealogy charts, documents, and photos.  My grandpa Bill spent much of his adult life tracking down his family's ancestry, as well as that of my grandmother.  For years he has been looking for another family member to carry on the genealogical work.  I thought about it for many years, and decided recently that it was meant to be.  I have a burning desire to learn my family's history, and to share that history with my daughter.

My grandfather struggled to track history that had been destroyed during the bombings in World War II.  There are pages upon pages of letters sent to and received from the National Archives, embassies, churches, the LDS ancestry centers, and more.  I was given original photographs that are over a hundred years old.  One noted that my great-uncle, raised during the depression, reached a spectacular height of 6'7".  That was nearly an entire foot taller than the average at the time!

There are still mysteries on both my grandmother and grandfather's sides, due to deaths, adoptions, and remarriages.  The information on my grandmother's father is sketchy at best, and there is no concrete evidence.  I spoke with my grandfather about locating a relative to compare dna, and he was excited at the prospect.  He also volunteered his own dna.  The next time that the kits are on sale through 23 and me, I will have to take him up on the offer. 

I can't help but cry reading his account of how my grandmother passed away in her sleep, and how he tried desperately to save her.  How he'll be buried in the same plot as her, and they will be together in eternity.  I found a small autobiography in my grandmother's own hand.  Touching these memories brings up so many emotions, both happy and sad.  After we visited grandpa, we stopped down the street at my grandmother's grave.  Adam and I washed off her headstone.  The white granite has been dyed a rusty color in spots from the high mineral content of our soil.  We walked around and sat under a tree for awhile, all three of us holding hands.

I will be sorting through the information for some time to come, but I wanted to share a few of the photos with you.  Click on the photo to view a larger image over at Flikr.

My great-grandfather's first gas station.  Guess who could afford to buy gas during the Depression?  Yep - the Mafia.

Broken

I broke down crying in the grocery store today.  Before that I started crying at a plant nursery.  I fell into a crying, sniffling mess when I found baby supplies right in the middle of the garage floor.  I never imagined that this could be so painful and hard to deal with.  I feel so alone.  Most people will say they're thinking of you, but that is about it.  Sometimes, though, you really need those people to act.  You need them to call you. You need them to show up to give you a hug and have a cup of tea with you.  You need them to make the effort because you do not have the strength to ask for it.  You need them to respect your need to just grieve and by grieving, slowly move on.  Most importantly, you need them to acknowledge your pain and loss.

Don't get me wrong.  I've had friends that owe me nothing and are knee deep in their own struggles offer to bring me dinner.  I know I could call them in the middle of the night if I needed to.  Words can't express how grateful I am to have friends like that.  On the other hand, some of the people that I really need around me are conveniently absent.  It is hard to have to pick and choose who we allow around us at a crappy time like this.  It really hurts. 

I have had a lot to deal with, starting from a very tender age.  I may not have a fancy degree, or a career, but I have had to work ten times harder than most to get what I have.  I am tired of having the accomplishments I do make be brushed aside or trampled on.  Most have no idea what it means to struggle like that for everything that you earn.  I don't know why, but my path has not been smoothly paved.  It is full of potholes and hairpin turns. 

So please, if you love me, don't dig another hole for me to climb over.

Dirt

Our weather went from 60* with rain and hail earlier this week, to temperatures in the 80's.  So much for acclimation.  It doesn't feel good. It feels hot.  Sweaty, nasty hot.  We decided to add three feet in depth to half of the back garden beds.  It was WAY too much work to do with a shovel, so we borrowed my dad's truck and rented a tiller. 

I should have video tapped it, because it was pretty hilarious.  (Sorry, Adam, it was.)  It was kind of like a 120lb Great Dane taking its owner for a walk.  Except this thing had giant tines and could probably cut through asphalt.  It did the job of breaking up the grass and mixing in the manure, though.  We added about 120 square feet to the garden in total.  That doesn't sound like a huge amount, but it leaves us plenty of room for both flowers and veggies.

Mom asked for lots of flowers, so I planted some today.  The area around the bean teepee got a purple verbena, a yellow flowered tarragon, some pineapple sage that grows bright red flowers, pink fuchsias, a purple sage, and some white allysum. Tomorrow I'll plant another watermelon, a spaghetti squash, and some other veggies.  I'm tempted to clone some of the heirloom paste tomatoes that I have to plant when the determinate varieties call it quits.  

Here are some pictures from today...

Adam sweating away...

Volunteer watermelon...at least I'm pretty sure it is a watermelon.

Here's some poop, there's some poop, everywhere there's poop poop POOP!

My three sisters garden got overtaken by evil Bermuda grass.  That's my next task...

The summer squash is actually doing pretty well.  We've had a few meals with zukes already.

One of the raised beds that was replanted with bell peppers and tomatoes.  That's my stash for the bean teepee scattered about.

One very pissed off chicken.  They squawked in protest while Adam tilled.

Did I mention I HATE powdery mildew?  I've been having to spray weekly and it keeps coming back. Thank goodness the rain should be good and done for a few months.

This bush was a little damaged by the rain, but beautiful nonetheless.

Forgot the name for these...but they're nestled under a big rose bush with white blooms.

God bless the bees that keep me fed.

Another beautiful rose.

And another.

Happy trails to you, until we meet again. :)

Life goes on...

I've been reminded this week in many ways that life goes on.  Like it or not, it does.  For the past week we have been struggling to get an IVIG appointment scheduled.  The lovely person that kept taking our messages was not getting the whole message to the PA-C that I see between visits with my doctor.  We FINALLY got through to another person that actually knew what was going on.  Now all we're waiting for is a call from the infusion center to schedule treatment, and they should call tomorrow.  I don't know how many times I had to say that I had a miscarriage just to get this taken care of.  The words hurt, but they sting a little less with each day.

This morning I was up at sunset to get showered and ready for my yearly breast cancer screening.  My mother was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer at the age of 32.  She is a survivor in more ways than one.  The women in my family have been blessed if you will with dense tissue.  That dense tissue makes reading mammograms very difficult, and also raises the risk of cancer.  The radiologists my doctor spoke with recommended that I alternate digital mammograms with CAD with MRI's.  Because we'd like to get pregnant again, and because I breastfeed, my doctor wanted to get it out of the way so that we both felt more comfortable.  

There is no way around it - mammograms and breast MRI's hurt.  The MRI involves laying face down in on a table with boob and face holes.  It digs in and hurts because your weight rests on the lower ribs, sternum, and face.  Even with some Valium, it is difficult to lay like Superman with squished boobs for 30-45 minutes.  About 3/4 of the way through the test, contrast dye is injected through an iv.  Mammograms...well, they just squish and pinch and bind.  Luckily those are quick.  I lucked out and did not need the ultrasound that was scheduled and only needed if indicated by the MRI and mammogram.  

We stopped on the way back from the tests to pick up some potting soil.  Mom got a Topsy Turvy last year, and I finally got around to planting a tomato in it.  The Topsy Turvy got a San Marzano tomato.  We plan on canning and drying a lot of tomatoes this summer, and I've lost count of how many of each that I've planted.  I think we're at 14 plants.  Normally I'd have tomatoes by now, so I have no clue how the harvest will be this summer.  We are planning on extended our back garden bed out a few feet, and marked that out with some spray paint when we got home.  Adam is going to till it under later this week, and then we can have fun deciding what to plant.

We have harvested enough summer squash for a few meals so far, but even the squash is acting sluggish from the weather.  I'm hoping that a nice spray of kelp, some fish emulsion, and some warm weather this week will help.  I'll have to post some pictures when things are looking a little less pathetic. :)

EDIT: I found two tiny green tomatoes when I went out to spray the plants with kelp.  Woohoo!