joy out of sadness

I had the pleasure of another day at Mercy San Juan that ended in more frustration and confusion.  My heart has been racing for no apparent reason, and tachycardia is a little scary.  My second EKG looked great, my blood work is great, the poured fluids into me, so there is no apparent reason for it.  I feel like a fountain lately, but I've just got to get it out.  Having that time of uninhibited bawling helps me to stay level-headed the other 99% of the time.  

It was Adam’s turn to cry last night.  It is different being the shoulder cried on.  Poor guy got dehydrated and was peeing something closer to a tequila sunrise than straw.  We were worried that he was getting another kidney stone, but he lucked out with just a UTI. 

It's that time of year to look back at what has transpired, and it has been well...crazy.  We were heartbroken to lose our home due to my disability and a very shady mortgage company.  Our little dog, Hawkeye, went up to doggy heaven.  We lost a few friends, and gained some more.  Some goals were smashed, and others renewed.  Living with my mom has been a blessing.  Emma gets a lot of Grandma time, which is truly beneficial to both of them.  I’ll forgive getting called Grandma at least once a day to see them like two peas in a pod.

I decided to go back to school.  While I have no ability to forecast where I’ll be when I complete the schooling, I do it anyway.  Life dealt me a whole truckload of lemons for some reason, so I might as well make the best damned lemonade that I can.  This was the first semester that I finished without work or my health causing serious issues.  I had dropped so many classes because of that wonderful job at Swatch that I was on academic probation.  Not anymore! 

This semester’s GPA was 3.2, so I got off that icky list.  I even managed to score an A in my Library Research Process class.  My professor put the icing on the cake by asking if she could use my pathfinder project to show future classes what a pathfinder should look like.  The only class I didn’t get an A or B in was one of those 1-unit, preparing for college types of classes.  Somehow the class didn’t even have a book or a real curriculum, but I got a C.  Meh.  Wish me luck for next semester with a full load.  I signed up for Food, Science, and the Environment; Intro to Digital Imaging; Introduction to Mythology; and Human Sexuality. 

At times I feel like damaged goods without much accomplishment to speak of.  It made my day to get a nice compliment from my professor.  (Okay, more than just a day…maybe a week.)  This next year holds promise as every new year does.  By the end of next year, I could be a semester away from an AA degree.  By the end of next year, I pray that we will find a remedy to the relentless rigidity and spasms.  I pray that by that time, we might have a new little member to our family. 

Here’s a song with lyrics that touch my soul, and really describe my life.

Artist: Scott Darrell
Song: A Crooked Road
Album: A Crooked Road

I walk a crooked road to get where I am going
To get where I am going I must walk a crooked road
And only when I’m looking back I see the straight and narrow
I see the straight and narrow when I walk a crooked road


I sing a lonesome song to anyone who’ll listen,
To anyone who’ll listen I ‘ll sing my lonesome song.
And when I hear you singing too, the sorrow sounds so hopeful
the sorrow sounds so hopeful, when I sing my lonesome song.


And a lonesome song will be my true companion
When all else has abandoned for singing of their own
And a lonesome song will fill my days with gladness
Make joy out of sadness when I sing this lonesome song, to you


I love with all my heart, there is no way of stopping,
I have no way of stopping I just love with all my heart.
Through the broken and the beautiful, the bad news and the good news,
The bad new and the good news is I love with all my heart.


And a loving heart will be my true companion,
When all else has abandoned for loving of their own.
And a loving heart will fill my days with gladness,
Make joy out of sadness when I bring this loving heart, to you…


I long to be a happy man, in this life that I’ve been given
In this life that I’ve been given I long to be a happy man.
When the noise turns to stillness, I see I have the makings.
I see I have the makings to be one happy man.


And a happy man will be my true companion,
When all else has abandoned for happy of their own.
And a happy man will fill my days with gladness,
Make joy out of sadness when I show this happy man…


And a happy man will be my true companion,
When all else has abandoned for happy of their own.
And a happy man will fill my days with gladness,
Make joy out of sadness when I bring this happy man, to you…


I walk a crooked road to get where I am going,
To get where I am going I must walk a crooked road
And only when I’m looking back I see the straight and narrow,
I see the straight and narrow when I walk a crooked road…