Two post kind of day...

Since this diagnosis, a lot has been running through my head.  I don't really feel depressed, but I'm working through a lot.  Some days I cry at sappy shows, cry because I broke a dish by accident, and then cry some more reading a friends blog.  Other days go pretty well, and I can appreciate what I do have.  I have accepted that things are not going to be as I planned.  I have accepted this diagnosis.  I will not accept that I will wither and let myself die early.  I am going to fight this.  

When I get down, I start thinking about what I can't do anymore...

-My sewing machine is gathering dust, even though I need to sew a blanket for my nephew and want to make dresses for my daughter

-I haven't ridden my bike in so long that the tires are going bad

-I loved gliding along a ballroom floor, feeling like I was floating in the arms on my husband

-I feel like a horrible mother when I can't do something because I am so tired or sore.  I can't walk with my daughter down to the park.  I can't take her every day to preschool.  I can't go to Mommy and Me swimming lessons with her.  

-For some reason, I can't get pregnant.  It wasn't easy the first time, but this time, my body has said no so far.

-I can't look at adopting, because right now, our we have too many unknowns.

-I used to love getting a good work out at the gym.  The rowing machine was my favorite, and now I can't row for fear of locking up my muscles for days.

-I can't go to theme parks, fairs, charity walks, etc. like I used to.  Now I have to do it in a scooter that makes me feel self-conscious, and garners strange looks.
-I long for the afternoons I spent as a child horseback riding.  Sitting high in that saddle while the beautiful horse cantered freed and fed my soul.

I can do some things, though.

-I can sit on the couch and catch up with the friends that I miss so much if they come by the house.

-I can read to my little girl, paint her nails, give her a 'pedicure', talk to her about how school went today.

-I can love my family and friends with all of my heart.  This has made me appreciate those that are dear to me even more.

-I can still craft...sometimes.

-I can write, and it helps.  Writing lets out the tears, but letting out the tears is helping me to accept and understand our new reality.

-I can be there for my friends in whatever way I can, even if it is just to listen.  

-I can curl up with my husband and watch a movie instead of going out for the night.

-I can research this cruel disease, and find the best treatments with my wonderful doctors.  

It isn't all bad, and I see that.  There is sunshine on the other side of this cloudy day.  We are going to call to check on the status of the portacath surgery and IVIG referrals and insurance approvals this week.  

Please pray that the red tape is dealt with quickly, and that we can get treatment going as soon as possible.  Please pray that the IVIG treatments are effective, that I regain some mobility, and that I do not suffer side effects.  Please pray that my family and friends continue to be strong through the Lord.  Thank you. :)

Psalm 23


The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.


He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the
paths of righteousness for his name's sake.


Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:
for thou art with me; thy rod and they staff comfort me.


Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.


Surely goodness and mercy
shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.