Killer Squash

Sigh.  I am back to Frustration City today.  The weekend went pretty well, and I got a tan to boot.  Saturday we went up to Auburn to a livestock sale to sell Light Bulb. She is was one of the remaining three Hamburg pullets that we had.  We're down to seven chickens for now...at least until we can find a silkie or showgirl for Emma.  She really has her heart set on a white silkie or showgirl.  If not, she wants red.  I keep trying to explain that 'red' is really more of a rust color, but I'm pretty sure she thinks the bird will be Kool-Aid colored.  

 Yesterday we went out to Camp Far West for Father's Day.  All three of us girls and our husbands/kids came, our dad was there, and the in laws. (All three sets of father-in-laws!)  It was so windy out there that we really didn't get a chance to go out on the boats.  The waves were strong enough that Emma, Maggie, and Ryann were swimming in place.  Reagan is big enough that she could actually swim against the current.  I was happy to kick back in my reclining lawn chair in the shade, though.  The one time I did go in the water, I managed to trip and fall on a rock.  My feet are bruised and cut, and so are my shins.  I'm fine, though.  Poor Emma is pretty banged up.  Coincidentally, I found out that the medical assistant at the neurologist office was there, in the same area, at the same time.  Small world.

My appointment with the neurologist did not go the way I had hoped.  He was very sensitive and supportive about the miscarriage...by the look on his face, I think that he has been there before in his own life.  Because my liver enzymes spiked last time with the IVIG, he wants to hold off and try Neurontin instead.  I was all set to get the treatment tomorrow.  The infusion center had ordered the medicine and everything. 

I've been on Neurontin before, back when it was first approved for treating fibromyalgia.  I didn't get any relief then.  Things have changed medically, so who knows if it will work now. I just...I just feel so deflated.  This past month has been such a roller-coaster ride.  The combination of everything that has happened is enough, but then I have hormones that are all out of whack on top of it.  All things considered, I'm hanging in there.  I'm not stuck in bed, or stuck in depression...it is something that hits me for a few minutes a day and I'm able to move on past it.  

I realized that since we had been gone all weekend, I never picked the summer squash.  I've realized over the years that it is better to keep on top of those things.  Forget squash for a couple days, and you have an inedible baseball bat of a squash to deal with.  We had two soft-ball sized eight ball squash from one bush, one normal-sized eight ball, a couple zucchini, a nice crookneck, and one freaky crookneck with an under-developed conjoined twin attached to the side.

Which reminds me...I bought a scalloped squash at the livestock sale for Adam.  The little baby squash are his favorite.  ✿✿✿

Father's Day in Song

This first song pretty much sums up my memories with dad.  Driving that old Jeep with hot floor boards out on a dusty road with my hair flying around in the air. 

My dad always threatened to do this, but thankfully, he never did.  Luckily he likes Adam enough that the only trips to the gun safe are to show off new toys.

Each year that I get older, I see a little more of my father in me, too.

In closing, this is the cutest darn song.  My dad and I both love music.  He's got his guitar, and I used to play saxophone. (I still want to pick that up again...but I digress.)  I have a voice but don't like to share it in front of others.  So, I'll let these two. 

If I had a Million Dollars

Things have pretty much been in stasis where my life has been concerned.  I still haven't figured out what my doctor thinks is so important to discuss that he couldn't note it in my account.  I see him Monday, and hopefully, I can resume treatment Tuesday.  I'm doing okay, and I appreciate the kind words and prayers.  Most of the time I'm okay, and then something brings back the tears.  So, instead of talking more about this, which I'm sure you've read enough of, today is different.  I'd like to play a game of "If I had a million dollars", and I invite you to play along.  Bonus points if you remember the Bare Naked Ladies song by the same name.  ッ

If I had a million dollars:

- I'd buy us a couple of newer cars.  I like my Sonata, but let's face it...it has been some work lately.

- I'd buy a house.  Nothing fancy...big enough to be comfortable and with some land for animals and growing food.  Maybe with a barn and greenhouse if I could.





- I'd buy myself a beautiful horse.  I have an empty spot in my heart for that part of my life, and I miss feeling like I am flying atop a cantering horse.

- I'd buy myself a bigger bed.  I like to stretch out, and we don't have room for anything bigger than a Queen right now.

- I'd tour Europe and visit the places that my ancestors called home.

- I'd have someone make pants for me.  It is a serious pain to find pants, and I don't have the energy to sew them anymore.

- I'd find really good cause to give some of it to.  Or maybe lots to give a little to.  Either way.

So what would you do with a million dollars?

I'm not always a mess.

Despite the outward appearance on this blog, I promise, I am not always a mess.  Lately I've been frustrated because we're spending the better part of our day sorting out employment, disability, school registration, and medical treatment issues.  That's on top of the strong medications I take that make me sleepy, and the nasty ulcers I have in my mouth.  Oh yeah, and grief.  Good old grief...you wake up thinking it just might be gone, and then it sneak attacks you at the worst moment possible.  

Thank goodness I have a loving husband that deals with the medical stuff for me.  As I mentioned earlier, just dealing with the calls can stir up anxiety that is party due to the way I was MIStreated for so long, and party because of Stiff Person Syndrome itself.  We still have no answer on WHY I need to go in to talk to my doctor about the IVIG treatment before restarting.  

He is on-call at the hospital this week, and his assistant has been unable to reach him.  She has no clue why he did this, either, and she feels horrible.  I've been flaring up for over two weeks now, and I NEED treatment.  The steroids haven't helped, so unless I want chemo meds, I need the IVIG like the tin man needs oil.  The doctor probably wants to ask something stupid that the assistant could handle, and that makes it more frustrating. I normally love this doctor, but the past two weeks have been horrible.  

First we couldn't get through because of a new staffer that can't take a message for her life, and now we're waiting for a return phone call.  The doctor's assistant suggested going to the ER, get admitted to the ER, and ask for them to page the doctor.  If I weren't already a mess, and if I thought it would help, I would do it.  The ER can't give me the IVIG, and they can't give me pulse dose steroids without reaching my doctor that is seemingly unreachable.  *Sigh*

I'm looking forward to the Gold Country Chicken Sale this weekend in Auburn.  If anyone is interested, it is the 18th at Echo Valley Ranch Feed Store.  People will start setting up at 9:00 AM, and it ends around 2:00  PM.  We're planning on trading one of our Hamburgs for a friendly bantam that Emma can use for showmanship.  She asked for "one of those fuzzballs... you know, the nice ones that like to be held."  So, it sounds like we  might come home with a silky. :)

Grrr.

I'm beyond frustrated today, and all because I can't find anyone that has their act together.  I have been in the middle of a flare up with painful ulcers in my mouth, migraines, random fevers, and spasms for over two weeks now.  I tried a steroid pack with no relief.  I NEED to get IVIG so that my body will calm down.  It took over a week to get a call back in the first place, and now after a week of getting no answers from the infusion center, I'm told I need to go in to see my doctor. Why?  Nobody will tell me. 

I haven't taken any tests since then, and I have no freaking clue why I need to readdress a treatment plan that is already established.  I have to go downtown tomorrow while I feel like crap and would rather stay in my bed all day.  I hate going to the doctor's office.  Mercy has treated me okay, but Kaiser treated me like a sack of dog poop.  I have serious anxiety issues, and it is hard to handle anything medical because of it.  I got pushed around and was told so many times that I was crazy, making things up, exaggerating, that I needed to just move on, etc.  Nobody will tell me why I need to go in, and that is not making things better.  I could have had the treatment and been feeling 10x better by now.  But no. Of course not.  Nothing goes as planned for me.  

I've been crying on and off all day out of frustration and grief.  Dealing with just one of these issues is enough, but together it renders me a blubbering ball of snot and tears.  Please pray that I can get in for treatment ASAP, and that the appointment will go well tomorrow.