Tuesday, May 31, 2011

in rolls the rain

The weather this week seems to be fitting my emotions.  It is all over the place, with a nice side of clouds, rain, and thunder.  My heart aches so badly for a life that I never got to know.  I want so badly for this part of it to be over.  My body is sick and I am still running a low fever, and my old friend aphthous stomatitis reared its ugly head.  When my body is stressed, my immune system freaks out, and I get painful ulcers in my mouth. (Sometimes in my nose and throat, too.)  It is a constant reminder that something is so very wrong.

It took all day for my new doctor to get my records from the emergency room.  They wanted me to get blood drawn this Friday, and wait until Monday to come in.  I just couldn't wait that long.  I want closure.  I want so badly to know that this is over, and that my body can start to recover.  I never thought that I would want one, but I let them know that I want to schedule a D &C.  Hopefully it can be done tomorrow...and hopefully they can do it across the street at the hospital so that I can be sedated.  They gave me the first morning appointment tomorrow.  

I have been up late at night, unable to sleep.  This weekend blurred into what seemed like one long, terrible day with episodes of Eureka mixed in for distraction.  Eventually I would pass out from exhaustion.  I've been a weepy mess.  I put on my jeans that had gotten too tight, and started to bawl when they buttoned up with room to spare.  I screamed with frustration when I missed the doctor's call, and their office told me to call back after checking my voice-mail so they knew who to transfer my call to.  It figures that I got locked out of voice-mail and couldn't figure it out, so Adam called.  I couldn't do it.  Just saying the words when I first called this morning were painful enough.

I know that this won't last forever...I'll start to feel better.  Eventually I won't be constantly reminded of it.  For now though...I need to cry.  I need to shout.  I need to hold my little girl and tell her how much I love her.  I need to spend the day in my messy pajamas, doing nothing but hiding in my bed and watching tv.  

To those of you that have reached out to us, thank you.  It means a lot to us, especially since things like this so often are brushed under the carpet.  Thank you for acknowledging our loss and how much we already loved that little baby. 

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