I broke down crying in the grocery store today. Before that I started crying at a plant nursery. I fell into a crying, sniffling mess when I found baby supplies right in the middle of the garage floor. I never imagined that this could be so painful and hard to deal with. I feel so alone. Most people will say they're thinking of you, but that is about it. Sometimes, though, you really need those people to act. You need them to call you. You need them to show up to give you a hug and have a cup of tea with you. You need them to make the effort because you do not have the strength to ask for it. You need them to respect your need to just grieve and by grieving, slowly move on. Most importantly, you need them to acknowledge your pain and loss.
Don't get me wrong. I've had friends that owe me nothing and are knee deep in their own struggles offer to bring me dinner. I know I could call them in the middle of the night if I needed to. Words can't express how grateful I am to have friends like that. On the other hand, some of the people that I really need around me are conveniently absent. It is hard to have to pick and choose who we allow around us at a crappy time like this. It really hurts.
I have had a lot to deal with, starting from a very tender age. I may not have a fancy degree, or a career, but I have had to work ten times harder than most to get what I have. I am tired of having the accomplishments I do make be brushed aside or trampled on. Most have no idea what it means to struggle like that for everything that you earn. I don't know why, but my path has not been smoothly paved. It is full of potholes and hairpin turns.
So please, if you love me, don't dig another hole for me to climb over.