Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day


One year ago, our lives changed.  More precisely, my dreams came to a screeching halt.  The tiny little life growing inside of me was gone.  I was thrown into the world of moms that had lost a baby.  We had prayed so long for another little one to join our family, and that hope was gone.  I never will know if that little one was a boy or a girl, but Avalon was gone.

The last year has brought so many challenges, and so many blessings.  Through the loss, I met a wonderful community of women that like me, had suffered the loss of a pregnancy or baby.  They accepted my early loss without it being "not far along-enough to matter".  They helped me to grieve, to move on, and helped me to deal with the conflicted emotions I felt by getting pregnant so soon after the loss.  After having to wait to try for years, and then trying for so long only to suffer a loss, we were blessed with Avery only a few weeks after the loss of Avalon. 

Being pregnant after a loss, especially one so recent, was difficult.  I spent much of the time in a state of partial denial.  I did not want to be hurt again.  I did not want to love only to lose.  During the last month, when physically I could not handle the discomfort any longer, I made myself embrace the time left.  I told myself that because I did not know if I would be able to carry another pregnancy, I had better enjoy what I had.  I did my best. 

This week  has been difficult.  I knew that the date was coming up.  My husband remembered, my mom remembered, but loss is a funny thing.  It is uncomfortable. It feels icky.  As a society, we have come to avoid loss and everything it entails.  I know that I am not alone, but I feel so alone in grief.  The shining light this week has been knowing that had this loss not happened, we wouldn't have Avery.  I love that little boy with everything I have.  It doesn't erase the pain, but it makes it different in a way. 

We are releasing balloons today for Avalon.  Please keep us in your hearts.

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