We struggled through the rain to get downtown this afternoon for what was a pointless follow-up appointment. I found out that my doctor and the doctor doing the EMG were going back and forth over the need for a repeat. Apparently my last Dr. left very vague reports, and while the new Dr. could tell something was wrong, he couldn't tell what. I don't go in for that test until the 3rd, and it'll be at least a week for his report. My follow-up is on the 14th of January.
The medicine helps some. I'm on Ativan and Flexeril, and Benadryl if needed. It doesn't make my life anywhere near normal, though. Something as simple as going to the grocery store leaves me hanging onto the cart with white knuckles so that I am sure I won't trip. Potholes and speed bumps make my neck lock up enough that my lungs feel tight.
The compression in my neck is somehow making my resting heart rate go up, and that isn't understood either. The Dr. told me to see my primary care Dr. for an echocardiogram, but I don't have a PCP. In this crazy mess of a year, I haven't managed to get a primary care doctor. Trying to find a doctor, then get an appointment, then somehow get the ECG scheduled would take forever. What do you do?
I broke down crying again in the car after the appointment. I'd much rather be put in the hospital for a couple days and get the testing done all at once. But somehow, I've managed to stump several of the best neurologists in this half of the country. They don't even know what tests to run. They're positive something is wrong, but what? I don't know what else to do but cry. This has left me feeling powerless and weak. Most of the people around me really don't understand, and they either stay silent or stay away. It is a shame, because I would welcome the love and support.
I want nothing more than some normalcy...some security. I have the will and the drive to accomplish so much, but my body tells me no. No job, no gardening, no shopping, no exercising. No taking your daughter to Disneyland or the snow. No living a normal life. Sigh.