One Week

It has been one week since my world turned upside down.  One week since our tiny little angel flew up to be with God.  I could never have imagined that the pain of fertility issues and miscarriage could shake me to the core.  Having busted plumbing is not fun.   I manage okay during the day, but at night I ache because of the emptiness inside me.  It was only a few weeks, but those few weeks gave me hope.

To make matters worse, my body is not making things easier.  I am hungry, but I do not feel like eating.  When I do eat, the ulcers in my mouth burn and making swallowing difficult.  I have to take a sip of water to get each bite down.  It has been a struggle to get in nourishing food at a time when I need it the most.

To make matters worse, we have been playing telephone with Mercy in a struggle to get my IVIG treatment scheduled.  As horrible as it is to say it, I am not pregnant.  It does not matter what medications I take right now.  It can't affect a baby that is not in my womb.  I am a weepy mess, and Adam has been trying to get a hold of the nurse practitioner that I normally see, or her medical assistant.  The secretary is not leaving accurate messages, and the doctor, NP, and MA have been booked and busy.  

We called to tell them I was having a flare up because of a miscarriage, and needed to get in.  The front office said to call my OB.  We called back to say that we already saw the OB and got cleared to go back to my normal treatment until I get a regular cycle again.  The front office said they needed a note from the OB.  We called back to tell them that they could pull my ER records which would show that I had a miscarriage, my womb was empty, and that my hcg levels were returning to zero as expected.  The OB was going to send a note, but in the meantime, they could see the records from the ER.  They sent a message to my doctor, but didn't tell them which hospital.  (It was one of their hospitals - I go there so that they CAN access my records.) 

I eventually got a dose pack of steroids for treatment in the meantime, but we still haven't gotten through to anyone knowledgeable to get IVIG scheduled.  I do not need insurance approval, which makes this craptastic merry-go-round even more frustrating.  All I need is for the doctor or PA to call the infusion center, and we're scheduled within a few days.  My friend's ex works in the back office at a different location, and I'm tempted to start working that connection if I have to.  What else can you do?

I hadn't talked to my dad in a few weeks, either.  With all of the craziness of the past few weeks, I hadn't told him that I was pregnant...or that we lost the baby.  He emailed to see how I was doing, and I had to think for awhile about what to say.  What a horrible bomb to drop by email.  Adam asked if I wanted to call or see him in person instead...and it just hurts too much.  I can't spit out the words without tearing up.  God bless my dad, but he is a guy and he can get that "deer in headlights" look when I start crying. 

I am supposed to meet up with my grandfather tomorrow after church to get the family's genealogical records.  For years grandpa has been looking for someone to take over for him, and for years I have thought about it.  With the great boom in availability of historical records online in the past ten years, I knew that I had to look into our past.  I can't think of a better way to put the research skills I learned at my last job to good use.  Being able to teach our daughter our family's history instead of passing on vague stories is so important to us.  I just hope that I can get through tomorrow without breaking down.

I know that this has been long.  I've always been long-winded when I write.  I wanted to end this post by sharing a gift that Adam ordered for me.  Now I can hold that memory of close to my heart.  The back will be stamped with Avalon's name.  He asked for a May birthstone to mark Avalon's month in my womb, and a January birthstone to mark the due date. 

Forever Loved, My Angel Baby Pendant